Smart Vocabulary

Awesome dude !

The other day, we stopped for tea.

I was traveling with a bright young man, whose verbal dexterity seemed confined to ‘awesome’ , ‘sucks’ and ‘dude’. That’s when he exclaimed, ‘isn’t she beautiful’?

My heart started beating at a faster pace than a sprint champion awaiting his dope testing results. I could have passed for a father who heard his toddler say ‘dad’ for the first time !

I looked around. Who was this beautiful woman, which caused such a sudden leap of language proficiency? There were three people, who I could see. The burly security guard. His wife, who seemed wanting to prove that she was burlier than him. And there was this chap who was serving tea.

Surely, the young man wasn’t referring to any of them. Furrowing my brow and summoning powers from all over, the focus was on finding this lady! Lucky for me, I didn’t say anything more. For in a brief moment, my young friend said more.

‘These Germans. Awesome man. They know how to make these babes….Dude’.

The pea brained Sherlock Holmes in my head, sat up. (Readers are requested to picture a laborious act played out in slow motion, of getting out of deep slumber). As far as I knew, making ‘babes’ and the rest of us, wasnt the purview of the Germans. Alone.

Which was when the eyes spotted a swanky BMW.

“But of course” I said. ‘of course’.

From whereon status quo resumed. The words that I heard for the rest of the journey, were random monosyllables with a strong emphatic ‘awesome’ ‘sucks’ or ‘dude’ thrown in every 17th second. Yes. I was keeping time.

When I got bored of it, and realising that there was some distance to go, the mind declared independence from this mundane activity. Wandering into another time, that a car became a lady. Of sorts.

This banner had appeared somewhere close to where I live. I thought of this Nitin guy as having got lessons from a Warren Buffet or someone.

A quick look and a quicker conclusion later, I was so happy, that you could have spotted my yellow teeth from three miles. Here was a guy, who I thought, was providing customers with a car to get to the beauty parlour and back. This was the mind. My own mind.

Don’t fault me. My own tryst with a beauty parlour is to ferry the missus to one, and sit in a bookstore until she gets her job done! Quite obviously I thought there was a market that this Nitin guy had thought of.

Nitins business acumen wouldn’t have been ephemeral in my mind, but for his English. It started with wondering what was ‘Teflon Coting’ ! What would they do in a beauty parlour that would warrant the cot to get made of Teflon ? You know where that train of thought would lead a pea brained Sherlock Holmes sitting in a corner of the mind.

Not to forget ‘Intirior Cling’. That sounded like love potion !

The world of marketing ! ‘Garage’ marketed as a ‘Beauty parlour’. I know of a ‘Beauty parlours’ that was marketed as ‘Stairway to heaven’. Even as I contemplated taking that stairway, the billboard there said, ‘Stairway to heaven shifted to second floor’. It seemed to be a cruel trick. My eagerness went under the basement.

“ ‘Ossome’ isn’t it ?” The young man said with a jerk, that I half suspect he gave it a special energy to wake me from my trance. I realised that i had been in Nitins world for sometime now.

With a new found insight under the belt, that its possible to have a complete conversation with a bright young man of today, with just three words, I said,

‘Yes. Ofcourse. Ossome’. As an afterthought, added ‘Dude’.

I felt powerful.

Are you a Mouse Potato?

Got this as a forward. And it did its bit to reduce Monday morning blues. Tried memorising and using some of these. Rather amused at the results. Thought i would share !
Let me know what you liked the most !

“If half the terms you hear at office go above your head, it’s probably time to stop smirting and start talking turkey. We’re not saying brushing up on your professional vocab will take you up the corporate ladder, but it will definitely add a hint of humour to drive those Monday morning blues away. Now, stop being acluistic and read on.

ACLUISTIC [ADJ.]: The state of being completely “without a clue.”
How to use: Don’t bother asking Vinod about the brief. He’s always acluistic.

BLAMESTORMING [V.]: Meeting to discuss a failure and find a scapegoat.
How to use: Ready for a blamestorming session, guys?

CLOCKSUCKER [N.]: A completely unproductive employee; a waste of company money.
How to use: Who hired this clocksucker?

DOMO [EXP.]: DOwnwardly MObile. A youngster who changes priorities, quits a high paying, demanding position.
How to use: Will you really go DOMO?

EXTRAVIEW [N.]: A second interview you feel obliged to hold though the position has been filled. Can be scheduled when candidate looks hot.
How to use: Shalini got an extraview when I didn’t. That’s so unfair.

FUD FACTOR [N.]: The Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt created in a customer during the sales process (which is conveniently addressed by your product or service).
How to use: You can’t sell medicine without working on your FUD Factor.

GREATER FOOL THEORY [EXP.]: The idea that there is always someone willing to pay a higher (and totally unreasonable) price.
How to use: Mina’s “unbelievable” sum is proof of the GF Theory.

HER ASSMENT [N.]: Sexual harassment by a woman.
How to use: Is the fat, ugly lady boss really a her-asser?

INSOURCING [V.]: The practice of looking within one’s company for someone with required skills.
How to use: Don’t insource, unless you want to spark off an office cold war.

JOB LOCK [EXP.]: Those who want to quit, but don’t want to lose their benefits.
How to use: The Job Lock syndrome is definitely in the air.

KEYBOARD PLAQUE [N.]: The greasy dirt that builds up on keyboards.
How to use: Yikes! Rahul should get the Maximum Keyboard Plaque award.

LOMBARD [N.]: Lots Of Money But A Real Dumba**.
How to use: Better bag that client. He’s a LOMBARD.

MOUSE POTATO [N.]: The modern cousin of the couch potato, who typically spends hours in front of the computer.
How to use: I’m tired of being a mouse potato.

NIMBY [EXP.]: Not In My BackYard.
How to use: Use that sales pitch by all means, but NIMBY.

O HO [N.]: Office wHO**.
How to use: Who are you, the O HO?

PEACOCK [N.]: Someone who displays every award ever won, in their cubicle.
How to use: Go to the peacock’s cabin.

RDB [N.]: Rectal DataBase. The origin of ideas that are pulled out of one’s a**.
How to use: Where did that idea come from — your RDB?

SMIRTING [V.]: Taking the opportunity to flirt with co-workers while huddled together for an outdoor cigarette break
How to use: He smirts with them all.